It was on approximately the fifteenth time that I complained to my mom that I was “allergic” toonionfumes and more “sensitive” than other people that she finally sent me a pair of SkyMall Magazine-chicRSVP International Endurance Onion Goggles. They were Pepto Bismol-pink, padded with unsightly black foam, and the packaging boasted “Fog-Free Lenses.” They went straight into my junk drawer.
然而,虽然这些护目镜休眠坐在博士awer, I kept chopping onions. Try cooking without onions. You can't. As hard as I tried, I couldn't avoid my crippling (yes, crippling) onion sob sessions. I used a super sharp knife. I held my breath. I lit a candle nearby. And yet, every single time I cried. Not just like one-single-tear-falling-gently-down-my-cheek cried, but eyes-burning-and-nose-running cried. It’s not cute. Also not cute? Onion goggles. Still, finally fed up, I pulled them out of the junk drawer.
Screw vanity, they work.
When you chop onions they release a chemical irritant known assyn-propanethial-S-oxide. It stimulates a specific gland in your eyes that makes them release tears. It’s not fun, and stings a lot. It makes it hard to actuallyseeanything while you're wielding a sharp knife. Especially when you’re “allergic” and “sensitive” like me! So, the next time I felt that familiar eyeball sting, I opened up the drawer. My roommate wasn’t home. This was my chance. I felt the foam seal around my face: it was clear that no chemical vapors were going to get in. Then, I opened my front-facing camera like any good millennial. Confirmed: the dad-at-a-baseball-game frame shape was doing me absolutely no favors. (In fact, it's not clear why onion goggles have to be this particularly un-chic 1987 Oakley shape. Does it help, somehow, with the onion blocking? Scientists, please weigh in.)
But it didn’t matter how I looked. It was just me and my onion. As I continued my chopping, I was amazed at the lack of tears. I experienced no sensitivity whatsoever. I could actually cut up the whole onion without stepping away for a breather or drying my eyes with a towel. In my ugly glasses, I was a better, more efficient cook. One who could quickly chop, dice, and mince an onion—and feel nothing.
I’m not alone in my love for onion goggles. Lots of others have seen the no-tears light. On Amazon, the glasses have over800 five-star reviews. 800! Liz Lare, whose “face and head are decidedly on the small side,” loves them. C. Eastwood regrets not getting them years ago. C.K. Shell is honest and says, “Not going to lie and say that these goggles are attractive on the face, but they sure do the job.” And, lest you worry that you're cluttering your kitchen with another single-use tool, rest assured that these onion googles, according to their description on Amazon, can also be used for gardening or biking. Or, you know, if you happen to like the look you can wear them to parties.
As for me, these days my allium Oakleys hang proudly on a hook in my kitchen—out in the open and ready to be put to use at any moment.
